How To Maintain No Contact This Holiday Season

There's no doubt about it, the holidays are definitely one of the hardest times to get through as a narcissistic abuse survivor. This time of year is usually the time where families are coming together and spending time or sharing meals. For those of us who have dealt with the pain of the narcissist discard, or even with no discard, the ending of a relationship with a narcissist is traumatic enough. So what do we do when we start to miss them? Or when they begin hoovering and trying to open the door to abuse you again? Here are just a couple of things I have found to be helpful during the holiday season.

1. Make a plan for a new tradition- If you typically had dinner with the narcissist or his family, make a plan ahead of time to have a dinner with your own family or friends, even if by yourself just make a plan. Mark it on the calendar and honor it like you are having a date with yourself. No excuses. And don't break this plan for anybody.

2. Understand that change is good, that this year is all about empowering yourself, giving yourself the peace, love and serenity that you deserve in your life. Understand that the narcissist cannot give you these things. No matter how many times they promise change.

3. If it is a narcissistic parent or family member that you simply cannot avoid, limit your time, set some firm boundaries of what you will not accept or tolerate. If these boundaries are broken, remove yourself immediately from that situation and their presence.

4. For every day until the new year, mark a small plan on the calendar for yourself. No matter how little it may be. It can be a gift exchange with friends one day, movie night with hot cocoa at home the next, pampering session the following, you get my drift? Keeping yourself busy and focused on you is crucial this holiday season.

5. Empower yourself. You have survived the most horrific of pains in the ending of your relationship with the narcissist, you have overcome so much already. Honor yourself and be proud of how much you have accomplished and the strength that it took for you to leave him/her  and stay away. Don't break contact just because it's Christmas. They will use this time as a time to further abuse you, and you already know you deserve so much more, so why take that step backwards in your recovery? With every day that passes, you gain momentum and more insight. Use that towards building a new life without the abuser.

6. Create some mantras to remind yourself of why No Contact is so important. Some good examples of mantras may be : " I have taken him/her back before, promises were made, and nothing changed, just because it's X'mas or New years, does not mean he/she is changed or less abusive.
Remind yourself constantly that this person is not a changed person. "I am doing so good for myself, I have survived this horrible abuse, i can overcome anything, I don't need a narcissist to keep me down in life." I can create new traditions. I am honoring myself. You catch my drift?

7. Celebrate the new life you have now. It may feel scary and at times lonely, but nothing is as bad as being constantly abused, put down, unappreciated or cheated on.

8. Put the phone away and focus on what you are doing. Practice mindfulness. Seriously, remaining in the moment with who and what you are doing, will keep your mind from going back to good memories you may have of your narcissist. Put the phone away. Focus on what you are doing. And if you are out drinking, have a friend take your phone and HIDE IT.

9. Make this holiday season a time to remember how worthy you are of all of the peace and happiness in the world, how much you have overcome, and enjoy a new life free from abuse.

Hugs and healing,
Noraima

The Universal Truth...You can't change other people

I wish this was a pamphlet handed out at birth. It would have probably saved me over 30 years of pain and insanity. Lol, seriously. At a young age I became a fixer. I thought I had the magic in me and the power to change fucked up people from their fucked up ways like I had some type of magical fairy wand to do so. Let me tell you, I never got too far with my attempts, but boy did I get myself into some crazy situations. From dating addicts, trying to get them to stop using drugs, from dating players trying to get them to be faithful and not lie, from dating narcissists and abusers, trying to get them to stop verbally abusing me or cheating on me..My life became a fucking Girl Interrupted Script. Seriously, I really thought that if i could make them see the error in their ways, I would get them to feel bad enough to change. The joke was on me. And I never realized this until many years later, after many tears and nights sitting in the chairs of Codependent Anonymous. This was probably the hardest pill for me to swallow and this took me the longest time in the world to accept. I fought this theory like I had never fought anything in my life. And all I ended up was crazy as fuck trying to change others and make them see the light. The simple truth is we cannot change other people. It doesn't matter if we are right and they are wrong, it doesn't matter if they know how fucked up they are, it does not matter if the sky is blue and they think it's green. It simply does not matter we cannot change others and trying to do so, will make us sick, tired and insane. So there it is. The universal truth. The sooner you let this theory sink into every part of your body, mind, soul, cells and blood, the less pain you will be in throughout your life. None, not a single one of the people that I tried to change in my life, ever changed. Not for me. And i made myself even physically ill trying to get them to feel bad enough to want to change. And it never happened. And they never cared not one bit how sick I made myself. The only person in this world that we have control over is ourselves. We are the only people we can change. Attempting to change another person will only take away from you and hurt you. It's time to let go, detach with love, and start focusing on yourself. Anytime you find yourself brainstorming methods of how to make them change, turn it back to you. Put the focus back on you each an every time and I promise that you will find your peace again. We cannot control other people and trying to do so, will make us fucking crazy. So get off the control roller coaster because control is an illusion. It took me 36 fucking years to learn this lesson. And everything changed once I fully accepted this truth of life. This does not mean you have to accept abuse or anything they dish out, if you are in an abusive relationship, this means you look within and realize your worth and leave that abusive person who will not change behind. Put the focus back on you each time, and you will save yourself so much pain. I promise you.

It was never ok

Thinking back to as far as I can remember, at the age of four I experienced my first sexual encounter. Unfortunately, this was not something I asked for or deserved. I remember so many things clearly and then I also have so many things that somehow I managed to block out of my mind. But that one thing I know today, and it has taken me this long to realize, is that what my family did to me was never ok. It took me 36 years to come to the understanding that I was abused in the most horrific ways possible. Ways that I would never in a million years wish on my worst enemy. Even at 36 years old the flash backs can break me in a heart beat. The one flash back that my mind always seems to go back to was age 4 and my cousin laying on top of me every day after school, when he was supposed to be babysitting me. I remember the color of the carpet, and the way that carpet burned my back from him penetrating and rubbing on me. I remember me not saying a word and not moving because I had no idea this was not normal. I remember running away to where my sister lived only to have my uncle molest us. I remember my grandmother breaking a door down when I was 8, and pulling me out of a room where my uncle had me laying on top of him and was grinding me on his penis. I remember bits and pieces of my horrible childhood. Things I don't want to remember. Things that haunt me on any given day. I know now, that none of this was ever ok. With these bits and pieces I attempted to create a life out of, yet somehow I fucked that up in the most royal ways you could ever imagine. I made horrible choices as an adult and it all goes back to what these awful men did to me as a child. I don't have to continue to let this ruin my life. In fact, I made that decision that I wouldn't. But the marks they left in my soul and my mind will always be with me. And now that I have found my voice I refuse to let child sexual abuse be a hidden quiet story that they can rejoice in and i stay silent about. I refuse to keep quiet any longer. It was never ok. And justice is not something I can give but with my voice I know that I can heal those parts of me they broke, and even bring another person comfort in knowing that they are not alone. I may never get these haunting memories out of my mind. And I may always make some fucked up decisions that I later regret in my life, but I will continue to try and make better choices. I know that when it comes to my own children, i am proud to say that my children will not have to recover from an abusive childhood. Because I promised myself many years ago, that I would never put them in harms way the way my family did to me. And that I would never allow anyone to hurt them physically, mentally or sexually the way my family did to me. So for that if only that, I am proud to have survived. And I will continue to bring awareness to child abuse because it is not ok, it is never ok, and it never was.

Letting Go of the Fear of Being Alone

One of the hardest aspects of recovering from Narcissistic Abuse has been learning to get over the fear of being alone. Growing up as an adult child of an alcoholic father, being abandoned by my parents, the fear of being alone was instilled in me since age 4. I transferred this as a coping strategy and developed relationships with abusive and addicted personalities out of fear of being alone. This caused my own pain many times in life. Settling for abusive and toxic relationships, thinking that it was better to be with these types of people than to be by myself. When you go into a relationship out of need and fear you will end up being taken advantage of, and accepting things that damage your feelings of self worth and self esteem. This was something I did not come to terms with until after the end of my own narcissistic relationship. It all started with the firm decision I made in my own life, that I was sick of repeating a toxic cycle of toxic relationships. That I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I decided that no matter how much it hurt, I was going to sit with these feelings no matter how awful they felt. It has been tremendously painful, but also tremendously rewarding. Because now I am no longer afraid to be alone. I still get lonely don’t get me wrong but I do not need to put on a temporary band aid in the form of another human being just to make me feel better. Sitting with myself and taking the time to listen to myself has helped me to get a better understanding of who I really am and what my own needs are. For the first time in my life. I can now honor my own needs. I do not need another person to fulfill the things I can fulfill on my own. We can do hard things. And healing from this fear is one of the biggest stepping stones in recovering. One affirmation that has helped me tremendously in my own recovery has been ” My safety and security are within me.” It serves as a reminder that I only need myself to feel secure. There is so many things you can do on your own that will help you enjoy your own company. Things such as reading, writing, listening to music, going for a hike in nature, going out for Coffee, watching a movie, taking yourself out on a date, staying home and cuddling up in bed with a good book. The options are endless. Create your own list starting today of things you can enjoy doing on your own and watch yourself become that truly independent person whom you have always had inside you. It is time to find yourself and your own voice again. Take the step towards your own healing. You won’t regret becoming your own best friend.

Hugs and Healing,

Noraima Torres

Extreme Self Care After Abuse

During a toxic relationship or relationship with a Narcissist we typically become so addicted to keeping them happy that we forget about taking care of ourselves. We put them first on our priority list and make sure that we are catering to their every need. Only to realize that what we do will never be acknowledged, appreciated or enough for a Narcissist. We make ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally sick by not putting our own happiness first. And this is one of the hardest lessons we learn after a break up with a Narcissist. After we leave them or they discard us for new supply, we are left with only ourselves to look at. But we have been so used to taking care of their needs that we don’t know how to care for ourselves anymore. So where can we start?

The first thing you can do is become brutally honest with yourself and come to accept that you have placed yourself on the back burner for way too long. To understand that your happiness and self care should always be your priority . Even to be a good parent and to meet your children’s needs, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You must begin to make extreme Self care a daily habit. Your health and well being are important. Without it your quality of life is greatly diminished. Some things that have helped me to begin Self care is to take a few minutes every day for myself. In those few minutes I make sure I am doing something towards my own Healing and recovery.

Things such as reading a book on Narcissistic Abuse, writing, taking a warm bath, going for a walk,  listening to podcasts or YouTube videos on Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, Art Therapy, listening to music, spending time in nature, watching a funny movie, talking to a friend, painting my nails, drinking a nice cup of coffee, anything that brings you joy and comfort is self care. You can add your own unique things to this list. Taking the time to care for yourself will be a huge step forward in your own Healing. We must learn to make ourselves a priority again. Because ultimately the most important relationship you will have, is the relationship you have with yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect. So begin by treating yourself with respect first.

Sending hugs and healing,
Noraima Yarissa Torres

Moving on After Narcissistic Abuse

At some point in our journey we become tired of the pain. Of the constant reminder that this person who promised to love you has left you devastated. There comes a point in every survivors life in which we become tired of checking up on our ex. We become tired of keeping the lines of communication open with someone who hurt us so much. Basically we become sick and tired of being sick and tired. At that point you know deep down in your gut that life will never be the same, yet you slowly become ok with that idea. You realize that constant reliving of your abusive relationship is only keeping you feeling stuck in your pain. So how do you ever get to that point if you feel stuck?

Grief and pain are not things that can be rushed. And that is the worst of it. You must be willing to feel your feelings no matter how much it hurts. You must be willing to reach deep down and not be afraid of what you find. There will come a point when you just don’t have anymore energy to give to the Narcissist and at that point you will realize that this whole journey was never truly about the Narcissist. This journey was about learning to love yourself because somewhere along the way you began to love someone else more than you. You began to place their needs and wants above your own. And that is the moment they began to take you for granted and treat you poorly.

So I want you to take this time now to focus solely on your healing. Your healing is not going to come from the Narcissist. You will never get that closure you seek from an abusive person whose sole purpose is to project their guilt onto you. From now on make a conscious choice every single day to do whatever you need to do to heal from this relationship. Do not feel guilty for putting yourself first for a change. Start each day by asking yourself “What will help me in my recovery today?” And follow your gut instincts. Take baby steps if you must, even crawl if you have to. But do start. You can and you will be happy again and you will not find joy in your Narcissistic ex’s inbox. Stop punishing yourself saying that you can’t do this or that you can’t stop yourself. Tell yourself a new story. You can do this and you have the power to stop yourself. When you flip the attention from the Narcissist to yourself, your entire life will begin to change. Things will make sense and you will start to realize that it was only about you.

Hugs and Healing
Noraima Torres

My Book All The Broken Flowers is now available on paperback!!

This is a very graphic account of my story of childhood sexual abuse and my recounts of what happened to me as a child. It is also my story of how due to my childhood abuse, I made many very toxic decisions in my adult life, how I recognized what I was doing much later in life and how I decided to change my life. It is a very adult oriented book and it is also the rawest thing I have ever written. Growing up with a sexually abusive family has marked and changed my life in many ways. But I have finally found my voice and I wanted to share this part of me for many other women or men who may have grown up in a sexually abusive family. This is my story and I hope it can help someone else who may have experienced the same.

To order please click on the link below.

https://www.createspace.com/6639311