It was never ok

Thinking back to as far as I can remember, at the age of four I experienced my first sexual encounter. Unfortunately, this was not something I asked for or deserved. I remember so many things clearly and then I also have so many things that somehow I managed to block out of my mind. But that one thing I know today, and it has taken me this long to realize, is that what my family did to me was never ok. It took me 36 years to come to the understanding that I was abused in the most horrific ways possible. Ways that I would never in a million years wish on my worst enemy. Even at 36 years old the flash backs can break me in a heart beat. The one flash back that my mind always seems to go back to was age 4 and my cousin laying on top of me every day after school, when he was supposed to be babysitting me. I remember the color of the carpet, and the way that carpet burned my back from him penetrating and rubbing on me. I remember me not saying a word and not moving because I had no idea this was not normal. I remember running away to where my sister lived only to have my uncle molest us. I remember my grandmother breaking a door down when I was 8, and pulling me out of a room where my uncle had me laying on top of him and was grinding me on his penis. I remember bits and pieces of my horrible childhood. Things I don't want to remember. Things that haunt me on any given day. I know now, that none of this was ever ok. With these bits and pieces I attempted to create a life out of, yet somehow I fucked that up in the most royal ways you could ever imagine. I made horrible choices as an adult and it all goes back to what these awful men did to me as a child. I don't have to continue to let this ruin my life. In fact, I made that decision that I wouldn't. But the marks they left in my soul and my mind will always be with me. And now that I have found my voice I refuse to let child sexual abuse be a hidden quiet story that they can rejoice in and i stay silent about. I refuse to keep quiet any longer. It was never ok. And justice is not something I can give but with my voice I know that I can heal those parts of me they broke, and even bring another person comfort in knowing that they are not alone. I may never get these haunting memories out of my mind. And I may always make some fucked up decisions that I later regret in my life, but I will continue to try and make better choices. I know that when it comes to my own children, i am proud to say that my children will not have to recover from an abusive childhood. Because I promised myself many years ago, that I would never put them in harms way the way my family did to me. And that I would never allow anyone to hurt them physically, mentally or sexually the way my family did to me. So for that if only that, I am proud to have survived. And I will continue to bring awareness to child abuse because it is not ok, it is never ok, and it never was.